I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
