got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
