I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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