my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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