ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
