He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
