Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
