Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
