I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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