I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
