who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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