I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
