Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize