I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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