Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
