Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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