i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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