I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
COCAINE IS GR8
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize