If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
