the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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