i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
