if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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