Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
