Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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