bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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