Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My breasts were aching with rage.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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