I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
