Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
