I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
