Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
