guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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