I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
