I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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