I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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