If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
