I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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