I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He felt like a one man threesome
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
