I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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