I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
