I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize