i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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