Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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