her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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