In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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