My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
