Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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