I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
