that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
