you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
