One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
