i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
