you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
