oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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