My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
