He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
