Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
