Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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