We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize