I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
