if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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